Friday, August 20, 2010

How to be alone, Part 3?

I always find it fascinating when people say, “I’d rather [have that or do this] than be alone,” because, like my co-contributors, I relish in alone-ness like it is a sacred gift from the world itself. Think about it, every day we shuffle ourselves off into the daily grind. There are people at the bus stop, on the T, at work (if you are employed), at stores, at the park, on the street, in our apartments (some might call them roommates, I call them intruders in my life. Kidding!), etc, etc, etc. There comes a point when you need a break from it all. When you need to sit in your bedroom, hair uncombed, with a bag of peanut butter m&ms, a diet coke, and 2 seasons of Pushing Daisies to watch on your antiquated laptop which barely has the technology to post in this blog.

This is not to say I don’t like people. Well, maybe it is, I’ll be honest, I don’t always like people. But even as a child I constantly plotted ways to escape my extremely nice, non-overbearing, relatively amazing family (in the grand scheme of crazy families, anyway). Whether it was through reading a good book (or, rather, any book, consider my obsession with the Trixie Beldon series. Nancy Drew was too cool for me. Krissy knows what I am talking about) or hiding out in my bedroom or climbing a tree, I found my ways to be by myself.

Now that I’ve grown (up), sometimes it seems I am alone in my desire to be alone. (See how I did that?) I’m just so good at disappearing by this point, I don’t even notice my tendency to going into Lone-Wolf mode anymore. I’ve planned vacations and then clued my family in last minute, as an after thought, because I am sure they’d want to know that I will be in a developing country for 2 weeks. I leave the apartment in the morning, return at midnight, with little to no explanation, instigating concerned text messages on a phone that never has the ringer on. If I am bored with a situation, I leave the room, leave the party. My picture is probably next to the definition of the Irish Good-Bye.

The truth is, it doesn’t occur to me that people would ever want to be clued in on the goings on of my little old life. This goes beyond me not wanting people to cramp my style, I’ve just never had anyone in my life that required me to check in. Even as a teenager, I told my parents where I was going and what time I was going to be back and as long as I stuck with that plan I didn’t need to keep them posted along the way. As depressing as this will sound, I consider myself a disposable friend, here when you want me, gone when you don't need me around. Out of sight, out of mind. I blow in and out of people's lives like tumbleweed. Am I done with these metaphors? Yes, yes I think I am.

As I watch friends jump into relationships, connecting their lives with others in a way that goes beyond a Facebook link, I wonder if I will ever be able to pull that off. When people tell me they hate long distance relationships, I am always afraid to admit I secretly dream for that opportunity. Scheduled phone calls, long weekend visits, emails about hopes, dreams, and muppets... that’s the stuff I can do. But if someone wants to see me every day, talk to me every day, it makes me nervous and I start to make excuses why it just won't work if that kind of togetherness is what the other person wants. It's not me to need that.

It’s taken me a long time to get to this place, but I like being on my own. I function well alone. I am comfortable with it. I like to move easily about the cabin that is life, and when you are attached at the hip to someone else, it can be difficult to maneuver. I just haven’t learned the steps to that dance yet, and maybe it’s because I was never ready for it.

But, behind every loner, there is a closet romantic. I want the white picket fence and all that comes with it. I do want that one special person with which to grow old. [And if he is the right person, he will understand my need for personal space in the form of an office/studio space in a converted carriage house out back.] And a few kids, if the fates allow. Definitely a dog. The thing is, all of these hopes and dreams come with a dose of reality. My life isn't that white frosted fantasy I may have once naively imagined. But being alone for so long has made me see what it is I want and what it is I will need to be happy. And this sense of self is all really one can hope for.

11 comments:

C said...

Unless alone in the home you grew up in, which is a case where you hate alone-ness ;-)

C said...

ps-I love doing Irish Good-Byes. You avoid having to say anything to someone it could be potentially awkward to, and your friends know you do it, and are used to it.

Anonymous said...

I think it's a great thing to know how to be alone before you find your mate-for-life - you have more sense of who you are and what you want, both out of life in general and from them. It can work, too, my husband and I spend much of the time in our house on separate floors, being alone together. Most other people wouldn't understand that, but it works for us.

Kannan said...

A nice blog is yours.

Cindy Marie said...

im sorry if this is a little bit weird but i was just browsing different blogs and i came across yours. you don't know me and im sorry it this is creepy. but i got caught up in your "alone part 3" blogpost- as i was reading it, it sounded as if i wrote that...or as if you were talking about me! that is so odd and interesting at the same time. i know exactly how you feel!

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Chelsey said...

You understand me.

Catherine West said...

I'm a loner two. Have been for most of my more than 3 score years; but for me "loner" is Ralph Waldo Emerson; and understanding that most of the very, very important individuals of mankind's history have been loners. That's why they stand -up and-out. We are about to humbly and with great Love in Truth and Trust - Jesus Christ, your Friend and Counselor; who knows you person of unique, Immortal Soul better than you do, but He desires that you Find..that which you are searching for in your 3 part "just" for "cause". Noah Webster spent 27 years to write 1828 American Dictionary, in the name of God and our archetypal Republic under God you, probably rarely Pledge your Allegiance to stand and support. Here are the definition of "Just: 1. Regular; orderly; due; suitable. When all
The war shall stand ranged in its just array. Joseph Addison 1682-1719 2. Exactly proportioned; proper. Pleaseth your lordship
To meet his grace,just distance 'tween our armies? Shakespeare
3. Full; complete to the common standard. He was a comely personage, a little above just stature. Sir Frances Bacon
4. Full; true; a sense allied to the preceding, or the same.
--So that once the skirmish was like to have come to a just battle. Knolles 5. In a moral sense, upright; honest; having principles of rectitude; or conforming exactly to the laws, and to principles of rectitude in social conduct; equitable in the distribution of justice; as a just judge. 6. In an evangelical sense, righteous; religious; influenced by a regard to the laws of God; or living in exact conformity to the divine will.
There is not a just man on earth, that doeth good, and sinneth not. Eccles.7.
7. Conformed to rules of justice; doing equal justice.
Just balances, just weights, a just ephah and a just him shall ye have. Lev.19.
8. Conformed to truth; exact; proper; accurate; as just thoughts; just expressions; just images or representations; a just description; a just inference.
9. True; founded in truth and fact; as a just charge or accusation.
10. Innocent; blameless; without guilt. How should man be just with God? Job.9.
11. Equitable; due; merited; as a just recompense or reward.
--Whose damnation is just. Rom.3.
12. True to promises; faithful; as just to one's word or engagements.
13. Impartial; allowing what is due; giving fair representation of character, merit or demerit"

"Cause" used to many 'characters' at http://1828.mshaffer.com/d/word
/cause

You, like many of the commentators here, have experienced "Press" indoctrination disguised as education: where "personality" is much more important than your unique, Immortal-Soul traveling in body; and 'group-robo-emu-think via 'yes-no' mentality [Common core Curriculum - repudiates Knowledge, Wisdom - Proverbs 8 [life's experiences with The Gospel as guide)for Truth in Trust. That "personality" among "human family" is UDHR 29.1 "(1) Everyone [a.k.a.everyBody] has duties to the community in which alone the free and full development of his personality is possible." There is nothing in our archetypal Republic under God, which places your unique Person of Immortal-Soul traveling in body's earthly journey --- all the men quoted above Knew and Know this Axiom upon which The Declaration of Independence is written."

Our Republic under God, our Flag and our Truth are in process of being torn apart and our history of man and woman -- standing alone, and with others, spit upon as if they never existed. Is this "Just" and "Cause"? Do you think you might, in your introspective definition of "alone", have some part to play in your unique, never to be duplicated Life, Liberty (choice with consequences) and pursuit of Happiness [the Colonists, Founders among them, consider pursuit of Happiness synonymous with following Jesus Christ, our Redeemer, King of Kings, Counselor, and Friend...He is Yours too; but only you "alone" will find Him)?

greatminds thinkalone said...

I just came across your blog. It was really food for thought for me, I really believe that there comes a time in life where solitude is needed. Great blog :)

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